Finding Me again

For the last year, I've been in hiding. Hiding from friends, career, dreams, life. I was better than any CIA agent out there.

Six years ago, I fell in love with someone whom I believed in, more than I believed in myself. Last year, he left and I was shattered. He blamed me solely for his leaving, as I allegedly drove him to other women. Just a speck at a time and suddenly there’s fuzzy grey matter where I used to be. I didn't recognise the woman I was, didn't know what were my likes and dislikes, didn't know how to live a life not entangled in his. So I hid. Within 2 weeks my family thought I should be over a man whom I've been loving for the last 5 yrs. No one wanted to listen to a whimpering baby 24/7. It was easier to say nothing than to explain how I felt. Covert operation: bleeding heart disguised as a responsible adult.

Many of my friends and family judged me. "Why didn't you leave him?" "You're a smart woman, why did you let him do this to you?" "What were you thinking?" Many persons don't realise that you'll change your "deal breakers" under such circumstances. I did. I was in love. I thought he'd be the man I fell in love with again. The man I believed in.

It’s difficult to recognize loss of yourself, especially when it occurs just one molecule at a time. So little by little, day after day, month after month, I started rebuilding myself. Acceptance was the hardest part. Acceptance that things happen for a reason and finding that meaning. Acceptance that this has happened and that it cannot change, no matter how much I want otherwise. Recognition of how much he meant to me followed. He was my favourite person in the world, in spite of all the fights and hurt. I may thought he was my soulmate but I clearly wasn't his. Forgiving myself came next. Many mistakes were made as I am human as was he.

With time, patience, and compassion for myself, I have found my centre again. And today, there is no more hiding.