Forgiveness

I read a paragraph a few days ago and thought it very enlightening. I'd like to share it with you here. It's about forgiveness and the process we tend and need to go through.

"Why is it hard to forgive others? Usually because we believe that they are 90% to blame for the problem, that I am not as bad as they are. So I start to carry the load of other people's actions. If my ego is too hurt, I will have the sense of correction, of justice: 'I know I am right', 'That is not fair'. But if I start to forgive from the heart, sincerely, I remain humble and this forgiveness will bring me closer to others. Then I do not carry regrets or anger, I just let go and remain light."

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. Forgiving someone isn't about them, it's about you. It's about you gaining some balance of yourself back on that particular situation where you've been hurt or angry. I was once told I was 99% to be blamed for the failure of a relationship, and I blamed that person in return for his shortcomings. We've all been on both sides of the coin: we've been furious and hurt by others and we've also hurt or annoyed someone, so forgiving is not just for the few, but for the masses.

Forgiving someone is a decision that you make to yourself to embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy for you.

10 Things I've learned in the last year

Here is a list of 10 things I have learned from the last year. Oftentimes, thinking about your life and sorting out what you've learned is just as important as tackling new adventures.

(1) Happiness is a choice, not a dependency.

(2) Your feelings/reaction towards others are oftentimes a reflection of how you feel about yourself (Thank you, Daniel, for teaching me this xoxo).

(3) We think approximately 50,000 - 60,000 thoughts daily. Controlling and changing them are entirely up to you. Think positively!

(4) People can and do change. Nothing is ever constant, and this applies to humans too. Sometimes that change is for the better, and sometimes for the worse.

(5) Honesty is tough, but in the end it is the far kinder alternative.

(6) It's all about fear in our lives: fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of getting caught, fear of making a mistake. But making mistakes beats the hell out of never trying.

(7) You cannot make someone love you, no matter how much you want or wish them to. This does not mean that you aren't loved by others.

(8) Where I am does not determine where I am going.

(9) Your health is your life. Take it from someone who's been ill for the past year!

(10) Take lots of pictures, no matter if you didn't look quite as picturesque as you'd like. Someday you’ll be really glad you did.

How do you measure a year in a life?

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear,
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee,
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure a year in a life?

One could measure their lives by the experiences they have been through, or by the gifts of ourselves we give to others. Maybe life is measured in the countries we've traveled, the things we've accomplished, the money we've accumulated, the things we've written, the lives we've saved?

The last year will more likely be measured in emotional journeys for me, in laughter and tears, in truths learned, in disappointments and hopefully if the song continues to hold, in seasons of love. There are so many ways we’ll stretch ourselves this year - career, family, friends, countless obligations and hardships. Is it even possible to measure what this year will bring? I’ll tell you in 525,600 minutes.

How do you measure a year in a life?

Finding Me again

For the last year, I've been in hiding. Hiding from friends, career, dreams, life. I was better than any CIA agent out there.

Six years ago, I fell in love with someone whom I believed in, more than I believed in myself. Last year, he left and I was shattered. He blamed me solely for his leaving, as I allegedly drove him to other women. Just a speck at a time and suddenly there’s fuzzy grey matter where I used to be. I didn't recognise the woman I was, didn't know what were my likes and dislikes, didn't know how to live a life not entangled in his. So I hid. Within 2 weeks my family thought I should be over a man whom I've been loving for the last 5 yrs. No one wanted to listen to a whimpering baby 24/7. It was easier to say nothing than to explain how I felt. Covert operation: bleeding heart disguised as a responsible adult.

Many of my friends and family judged me. "Why didn't you leave him?" "You're a smart woman, why did you let him do this to you?" "What were you thinking?" Many persons don't realise that you'll change your "deal breakers" under such circumstances. I did. I was in love. I thought he'd be the man I fell in love with again. The man I believed in.

It’s difficult to recognize loss of yourself, especially when it occurs just one molecule at a time. So little by little, day after day, month after month, I started rebuilding myself. Acceptance was the hardest part. Acceptance that things happen for a reason and finding that meaning. Acceptance that this has happened and that it cannot change, no matter how much I want otherwise. Recognition of how much he meant to me followed. He was my favourite person in the world, in spite of all the fights and hurt. I may thought he was my soulmate but I clearly wasn't his. Forgiving myself came next. Many mistakes were made as I am human as was he.

With time, patience, and compassion for myself, I have found my centre again. And today, there is no more hiding.

Prove you exist

"In everything you do, in everything you say, prove you exist."

I have fallen in love with those last three words. It gives you hope that today is the day you can accomplish anything.

Ubuntu and Mandela Day

On July 18, Nelson Mandela will celebrate his 92nd birthday. In 2009, the UN agreed to commemorate Mandela's birthday yearly in recognition of this Nobel Peace Prize laureate's contribution to democracy; equality; reconciliation; diversity; responsibility; respect and freedom.

On this day, you are encouraged to devote 67 minutes of your time to a public service, a selfless act. You can feed the hungry, care for an elderly, donate clothes to the homeless or orphanages or any other activities that remind you of the beautiful qualities that makes us human, our ubuntu.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu explained that, "Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can't exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can't be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality - Ubuntu - you are known for your generosity. We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world."

This day is here to inspire us, to remind us, that we can make a difference in this world, no matter how small, and to the things we see daily that overwhelms us - poverty, corruption, discrimination. This is your opportunity to extend your goodness, your ubuntu, to someone else.

Please do your part for the global movement of Ubuntu.

Waiting for Life

My sister is constantly waiting. She's waiting for something to happen in order to begin "living life". She waited until she got a new job in order to socialise with friends, she waited until she got engaged to be comfortable and happy with who she is, she waited until she moved to another country to pursue her career goals, now she's waiting to move to a different apartment in order to socialise with friends. Along the path of waiting, nothing was truly accomplished.

Unfortunately, what my sister failed to realised is that nothing "just happens" in life, you've got to go out there and make it happen, make it work for you. My beautiful sister, like numerous people out there, are told that if they just 'believe' or 'visualise' the things they want, that the Universe will give it to you effortlessly, without you having to raise a finger. That's similar to you thinking that you'll win the Lottery, without even bothering to buy a ticket!

Throughout my years, I've come to realise that we're the one who makes things happen in our lives. Many are often inhibited by fears of failure to take that first step. By taking small steps, such as singing in the morning, allows you to break your monotonous, routine-filled life. By taking small steps, you can find the courage to undertake bigger and more adventurous steps, to the life you want.

If you're waiting for life to begin, be prepared to wait a very long time. Like all things in life - be it new friends, your next meal, your career - life will not come to you. If you don't make it happen, no one else will.

"How does one become a butterfly? she asked pensively. You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus

The Audacity of Stupidity

People do really stupid things sometimes. It's a fact of life and more often than we care to admit. The worse part is that you never know when these moments of verbal and physical "diarrhea" will sneak up on you. After the devilish deed is done, you wish the ground would open and swallow you whole as facing the embarrassment is worse than going to hell and meeting Satan himself. This has led me to my theory that we're similar to elephants in this regard. People like elephants never forget, especially stupid and embarrassing acts of others. They'll forget your telephone number, your birthday and even your name, but they'll never forget that day you made a disconcerted spectacle of yourself. Pity hindsight happens more often than foresight.

I've had my share of idiotic moments. Such as hitching a ride home from a high school party with a guy I had a crush on and then blurting out in my drunken stupor that I'm a virgin. He was saying WTF too (and no he didn't get lucky). Or visiting someone who proclaimed to have psychic powers to tell me if my then-ex was going to return to me, and wasting hard-earned cash (the fake ones cannot predict the future, so they might as well make you feel good). Or falling in love with someone who deceived you several times while convincing you it was your entire fault.

These acts committed in ever-reoccurring stupidity may be there to teach you something about yourself and others. It may teach you to be aware of your limits while aiming for the sky, the importance of spending wisely, and to honour and trust yourself. It is said that you can never hide from regret or remorse. I would like to believe that a lesson learned should never be something to regret despite the circumstances under which you have learnt it.

Lemons

Being ill recently, I've been asking numerous questions (to no one in particular). Yesterday, I received a call from Aunty J, an indigenous elder from one of the communities I've had the privilege of working in. I met Aunty J almost 6 years ago while I was conducting an environmental programme in several communities within the region. I contracted a bout of the chicken pox. She kept me in her home for a month so she could heal me and I could recuperate. We spent many days together; countless hours talking and connecting. She taught, while I listened (and slept!).

Aunty J said she felt the urge to speak with me. I haven't spoken to Aunty J in over 3 months, mainly due to my travels in the field. She reiterated the story of a fellow villager who recently had "stomach cramps", which was later diagnosed as gallstones. The villager's husband conducted a mini-experiment with the gallstones after it was removed, using lemons to dissolve the calcified stones. Another villager, diagnosed with the same condition, and upon hearing of the mini-experiment, started drinking the lemon juice, 3 times per day. His troublesome gallstones have apparently 'disappeared'. Coming from anyone else, I'd probably have put it down to sheer luck.

Later that day, I had a doctor's appointment, with no clear answers and more contradictions to my own condition. Thus begun the waiting game. I felt helpless and needed more information on my options for treatment. My father started orchestrating his own mini-research. He came across numerous homeopathy treatment and in most cases they contained........(wait for it).....lemons!

Sometimes the Universe brings the information we need via persons whom we cannot ignore (in spite of all the stubbornness). The synchronicity of it all!

Aging Gracefully

Does happiness decrease with age? According to a Gallup poll conducted in May 2010 it apparently does. The US study of 340,000 people claims that after leaving puberty at the age of 18 (for some of us), happiness steadily declines until we're in our early 50s. Then it does a complete 180 degree on us and our happy hormones climbs back up. From 50 onwards, most things becomes wonderful for everyone.

According to the study, 85 year olds are even more satisfied with themselves than they were at 18. This is very good news for those of us who wants to age gracefully (maybe sneaking in a couple of botox here and there). Scientists aren't certain what causes this turn around in our 50s. Gender, marital status, current events, employment or parenthood didn't make a significant difference to our happiness level.

But here's an idea: maybe we're just so bloody exhausted after 50 years of work and worrying! Building a career, raising a family, paying a mortgage, babysitting a partner, worrying about the wrinkles and the fact that your once perky breasts now rests somewhere near your hips, making dinner every night for the last 30+ years, doing infinite loads of laundry, putting on weight, loosing weight, putting it on again, entertaining people you don't like - it leaves you dog-tired! So by the time you've reached 50, you say BLEEP IT! It's my time, I'm still here. I like who I am - wrinkles, weight and all.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayal or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, everyday, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer-

New Beginnings or Continuation of Old Chapters

It's 2:45AM. Insomniac, maybe. Restless, definitely. Lost, of course.

29 yrs old, in a job that I've learned all I can from, living in a country that no longer entices me, heartbroken, and living at home with the folks. 

For the last several weeks, I've been dining with doctors on a diet that consists entirely of cardboard, hold the butter please. After weeks of making me a human dartboard, the final verdict (maybe) was gallstones, acidity and cysts in both ovaries. Lovely combination for a prescription of no work, no sleep, no eating and endless assortments of pain. 

Life in comatose. Life made simple. Life who don't need you to teach its lessons. Simply to learn them. 

Almost 30. Almost married. Almost alive...but almost doesn't count, does it?