August is Camus

I've recently completed reading The Fall by Albert Camus. The Fall tells the story of Jean-Baptiste Clamence, a Parisian lawyer, who now spends his days reminiscing his life in a seedy bar in Amsterdam. His once selfless life is now judged as hypocritical and self-absorbed. Many times I felt as if we were truly honest about our behaviours and actions in society, most of us would see great similarities between ours and Jean-Baptiste's life.

The basis of the story is compelling. It decrees that we are each responsible for everything that is happening around us - poverty, discrimination, corruption, war, global warming - by either through our actions or through our silence. Imagine for a minute, what that meant about you, for you. How would you, as an individual, deal with this situation? This is where The Fall comes it....

Besides the captivating story, the narrative Camus uses is also interesting. He speaks directly to the reader, as if you were the friend that Jean-Baptiste speaks to in that sordid bar.

So for this August, I'm aiming to read this 1957 Nobel Peace laureate's other two big novels: (1) The Stranger which was published in 1942; and (2) The Plague which was published in 1956.

I think Audre Lorde said it best, "It is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken".

Finding Me again

For the last year, I've been in hiding. Hiding from friends, career, dreams, life. I was better than any CIA agent out there.

Six years ago, I fell in love with someone whom I believed in, more than I believed in myself. Last year, he left and I was shattered. He blamed me solely for his leaving, as I allegedly drove him to other women. Just a speck at a time and suddenly there’s fuzzy grey matter where I used to be. I didn't recognise the woman I was, didn't know what were my likes and dislikes, didn't know how to live a life not entangled in his. So I hid. Within 2 weeks my family thought I should be over a man whom I've been loving for the last 5 yrs. No one wanted to listen to a whimpering baby 24/7. It was easier to say nothing than to explain how I felt. Covert operation: bleeding heart disguised as a responsible adult.

Many of my friends and family judged me. "Why didn't you leave him?" "You're a smart woman, why did you let him do this to you?" "What were you thinking?" Many persons don't realise that you'll change your "deal breakers" under such circumstances. I did. I was in love. I thought he'd be the man I fell in love with again. The man I believed in.

It’s difficult to recognize loss of yourself, especially when it occurs just one molecule at a time. So little by little, day after day, month after month, I started rebuilding myself. Acceptance was the hardest part. Acceptance that things happen for a reason and finding that meaning. Acceptance that this has happened and that it cannot change, no matter how much I want otherwise. Recognition of how much he meant to me followed. He was my favourite person in the world, in spite of all the fights and hurt. I may thought he was my soulmate but I clearly wasn't his. Forgiving myself came next. Many mistakes were made as I am human as was he.

With time, patience, and compassion for myself, I have found my centre again. And today, there is no more hiding.

Right Place, Right Time

Yesterday, I returned a book which I borrowed. I had intended to return the said novel at 1:00PM, but was delayed at the doctor's office. An hour later, book delivered, I happily skipped home to start another. A few minutes later, I received a text warning me that I should be careful when returning the book as the owner of the book was held at gun point in her office at 1:00PM. Luckily no one was hurt. Had I gone there when I intended, I would have been caught in the situation.

The universe has a plan that is constantly moving, making sure you're exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time.

Made in China

A friend of mine was recently watching the Tyra Banks Show, informing me that we can now purchase hymens from China. After falling off my chair laughing, curiosity got the better of me and I went online to see what this benevolent thing looked like. Lo and behold! I found the sacred hymen (or at least its look-alike).

Apparently, women can now "revirginate" themselves using this US$29 artificial hymen. Sold by Gigimo, a Chinese company and described as “soluble and expandable”, the pouch is placed in the vagina about 20 minutes before sex. The hymen then squirts a blood-looking liquid when penetrated (where US$29 is too expensive, I reckon you can grab a handful of ketchup packets from your local burger joint and no one would know the difference). Importantly though, I can see how this 'sex toy' (as this is what it is being sold as) can be life saving for women living in countries and societies where honour killings are still prevalent.

Like most things in our lives, our hymens are now 'Made in China'.

SEEing YOU

Oftentimes we are encouraged to see our weaknesses, and rarely our strengths. We are habitually taught we will fail, and upon failure to tear ourselves apart in order to fix those shortcomings. So it is often hard to enjoy success, no matter how small each success might be.

Developing and even maintaining positive self-esteem may be difficult in our society today where we are told that who we are is not good enough. There are countless ads encouraging us to have better skin, better hair, better bodies, better teeth, a life filled with endless happiness if we just fixed ourselves. Everyday we are faced with countless situations where our self-esteem and self-confidence takes a sound beating.

But the next time you feel less than your beautiful self, remember SEEING you. SEEING, as defined by Martha Beck, is Self-Esteem Exit into Numinous Gorgeousness. Beck asks us to do 3 simple but weird things to help our walloped self-esteem bounce right back:

(1) Draw Upside Down: This tactic shuts down your verbal mind where all the past negativity resides, by copying a picture that you've turned upside down. After our verbal thinking has slowed down, beauty will emerge.

(2) Open your focus: by softening your eyes. Beck encourages us to read a paragraph, look up at whatever is in front of you, then without moving your eyes, allow your attention to broaden, taking in everything you see. Slowly your attention will expand to include everything you can hear, smell, feel, and taste. This also shuts off our negative thinking process, allowing us to appreciate the larger world around us.

And last, but not least. (3) Feel the rhythm of life: by doing a rhythmic activity such as dancing, swimming or whirling!

It is important for all of us to remember and celebrate our strengths and achievements. After all, "you yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection".

Prove you exist

"In everything you do, in everything you say, prove you exist."

I have fallen in love with those last three words. It gives you hope that today is the day you can accomplish anything.

Dumb Geniuses and Our Oceans

Day 82 of the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill and the disaster is no where close to reaching its death. Approximately, 5 million barrels of oil has spilled into the ocean to-date, at a rate of 60,000 per day. It has surpassed the US daily oil production of 4.95 million barrels. Approximately 0.7 million barrels more and it will exceed the 1991 Persian Gulf oil spill. The figures are staggering. The social and health impacts are heartbreaking. The longterm environmental consequences will be devastating. The perfect Pandora's box.

One of BP's idea for plugging the spill was shooting golf balls, known as the infamous 'Junk Shot', down the well. Are they serious?! This is something my friends would have come up with after having one too many beers. "Wouldn't it be funny to see a million golf balls in the Gulf!" These are supposed to be the smartest people in the world and that's their idea for caping a spill one mile underwater?

The oil spill which was largely seen as an American problem, now has international repercussions. Cuba has already spotted oil masses approximately 100 miles offshore. Somewhere along the line, BP's geniuses forgot that the ocean has currents. If you've ever lost a hat or slippers in the ocean, you'll recognise that the ocean doesn't stay still, and those flip-flops are on their way to the other side of the world by now. If the oil slick approaches closer to Cuba, it has the potential of entering the Caribbean waters, even moving towards coastal lying South American countries. The impact could be much worse as many of these countries are developing states and their economies rely heavily on coastal industries such as fishing and tourism. The political "brotherhood" could be further strained between countries such as Cuba and US.

An undersea spill is much worse than the surface spill of the 1989 Exxon Valdez. This current spill could see the expansion of a seasonal "dead zone" that already sickens the Gulf of Mexico as a result of years of industrial pollutants and agricultural run-off from the Mississippi River. The undersea oil poses a direct threat to marine wildlife and ecosystems. Over 1000 birds, 500 sea turtles and 51 mammals have died in this disaster (these numbers may be conservative), and numerous more affected by the oil soaked ocean. It would be like seeing a dolphin on crack. Not a pretty sight! Beyond all these effects, the oil is also starting to wash up into coastal wetlands already besieged by overdevelopment and pollution.

And where is BP in all this?! Showing corporate responsibility by dishing out over $50 million in advertising. If you ask me, if you were doing the job on the ground and ensuring that you hire people, address claims efficiently and increase the clean-up efforts, there wouldn't be a need for propaganda to highlight your 'good image'. Your image on the ground alone would have enabled you to rise above this. It is unnerving to think that corporations, like BP, control vast social resources while making decisions, affecting millions of lives, based mainly on profits. BP now stands for Born Polluters.

One silver lining to this catastrophe is that it highlights the interconnectedness between our oceans and ourselves. It’s a wake-up call to move to more sustainable renewable energy, and for us all to make the changes necessary in our life to help the blue heart of our planet.

Ubuntu and Mandela Day

On July 18, Nelson Mandela will celebrate his 92nd birthday. In 2009, the UN agreed to commemorate Mandela's birthday yearly in recognition of this Nobel Peace Prize laureate's contribution to democracy; equality; reconciliation; diversity; responsibility; respect and freedom.

On this day, you are encouraged to devote 67 minutes of your time to a public service, a selfless act. You can feed the hungry, care for an elderly, donate clothes to the homeless or orphanages or any other activities that remind you of the beautiful qualities that makes us human, our ubuntu.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu explained that, "Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can't exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can't be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality - Ubuntu - you are known for your generosity. We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world."

This day is here to inspire us, to remind us, that we can make a difference in this world, no matter how small, and to the things we see daily that overwhelms us - poverty, corruption, discrimination. This is your opportunity to extend your goodness, your ubuntu, to someone else.

Please do your part for the global movement of Ubuntu.

Waiting for Life

My sister is constantly waiting. She's waiting for something to happen in order to begin "living life". She waited until she got a new job in order to socialise with friends, she waited until she got engaged to be comfortable and happy with who she is, she waited until she moved to another country to pursue her career goals, now she's waiting to move to a different apartment in order to socialise with friends. Along the path of waiting, nothing was truly accomplished.

Unfortunately, what my sister failed to realised is that nothing "just happens" in life, you've got to go out there and make it happen, make it work for you. My beautiful sister, like numerous people out there, are told that if they just 'believe' or 'visualise' the things they want, that the Universe will give it to you effortlessly, without you having to raise a finger. That's similar to you thinking that you'll win the Lottery, without even bothering to buy a ticket!

Throughout my years, I've come to realise that we're the one who makes things happen in our lives. Many are often inhibited by fears of failure to take that first step. By taking small steps, such as singing in the morning, allows you to break your monotonous, routine-filled life. By taking small steps, you can find the courage to undertake bigger and more adventurous steps, to the life you want.

If you're waiting for life to begin, be prepared to wait a very long time. Like all things in life - be it new friends, your next meal, your career - life will not come to you. If you don't make it happen, no one else will.

"How does one become a butterfly? she asked pensively. You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus

The Audacity of Stupidity

People do really stupid things sometimes. It's a fact of life and more often than we care to admit. The worse part is that you never know when these moments of verbal and physical "diarrhea" will sneak up on you. After the devilish deed is done, you wish the ground would open and swallow you whole as facing the embarrassment is worse than going to hell and meeting Satan himself. This has led me to my theory that we're similar to elephants in this regard. People like elephants never forget, especially stupid and embarrassing acts of others. They'll forget your telephone number, your birthday and even your name, but they'll never forget that day you made a disconcerted spectacle of yourself. Pity hindsight happens more often than foresight.

I've had my share of idiotic moments. Such as hitching a ride home from a high school party with a guy I had a crush on and then blurting out in my drunken stupor that I'm a virgin. He was saying WTF too (and no he didn't get lucky). Or visiting someone who proclaimed to have psychic powers to tell me if my then-ex was going to return to me, and wasting hard-earned cash (the fake ones cannot predict the future, so they might as well make you feel good). Or falling in love with someone who deceived you several times while convincing you it was your entire fault.

These acts committed in ever-reoccurring stupidity may be there to teach you something about yourself and others. It may teach you to be aware of your limits while aiming for the sky, the importance of spending wisely, and to honour and trust yourself. It is said that you can never hide from regret or remorse. I would like to believe that a lesson learned should never be something to regret despite the circumstances under which you have learnt it.

Lemons

Being ill recently, I've been asking numerous questions (to no one in particular). Yesterday, I received a call from Aunty J, an indigenous elder from one of the communities I've had the privilege of working in. I met Aunty J almost 6 years ago while I was conducting an environmental programme in several communities within the region. I contracted a bout of the chicken pox. She kept me in her home for a month so she could heal me and I could recuperate. We spent many days together; countless hours talking and connecting. She taught, while I listened (and slept!).

Aunty J said she felt the urge to speak with me. I haven't spoken to Aunty J in over 3 months, mainly due to my travels in the field. She reiterated the story of a fellow villager who recently had "stomach cramps", which was later diagnosed as gallstones. The villager's husband conducted a mini-experiment with the gallstones after it was removed, using lemons to dissolve the calcified stones. Another villager, diagnosed with the same condition, and upon hearing of the mini-experiment, started drinking the lemon juice, 3 times per day. His troublesome gallstones have apparently 'disappeared'. Coming from anyone else, I'd probably have put it down to sheer luck.

Later that day, I had a doctor's appointment, with no clear answers and more contradictions to my own condition. Thus begun the waiting game. I felt helpless and needed more information on my options for treatment. My father started orchestrating his own mini-research. He came across numerous homeopathy treatment and in most cases they contained........(wait for it).....lemons!

Sometimes the Universe brings the information we need via persons whom we cannot ignore (in spite of all the stubbornness). The synchronicity of it all!